Organizing Kids

By Patricia Nicklaus
Contributing Writer

Organizing adults with disobedient or disruptive kids can be a challenge, as that type of behavior is a form of disorganization in itself, taking time and energy from parents.

For many, organizing their kids to do chores, put things away in proper designated places, be respectful and civil can be a terribly frustrating task.  In that frustration, some parents may resort to anger, threats and name calling.

Anger can be appropriate at times, but if a parent sinks into a continuing pattern of resentment and negativity toward a child's lack of compliance, it could cause real damage to child's self-concept and well-being.

Nothing breeds unwillingness, defensiveness and apathy more than being made to feel accused and inadequate. Think of a time you've been made to feel that way. Did it make you want to improve? (This problem also builds up between adult couples and creates an atmosphere of non-communication and non-cooperation.)

This destructive pattern may start because of a parent's own lack of effectiveness in constructively controlling the child. It's really sad, because most parents really do deeply love their children. But remember, the kids are kids, they need to learn control; you are the adult, their example and leader.

Of course, if your own life is out of control it's obvious the example they follow is not one which will bring a good result, and it's especially unfair to make them the target of your attack. But, I've worked with adults who are very organized and in control of their own lives, yet are miserable because they could not make any headway with their kids.

One may get reluctant compliance from children using name-calling, threats and punishment, but you will also get, if only slyly, a good deal of resentment back.

Mistakes, sullenness, irritating or inappropriate behavior, and a variety of other devices meant to torture you are a child's way of punishing you for not treating them with the respect and good-will you yourself would like.

But more important, I believe the most damaging effect of using threats and punishment is to make it unsafe for your child to be honest with you. People carry the agony of guilt when they do something wrong, and then feel they can't tell anyone because they think the results will be too disastrous if they do.

So, we need to allow children to "confess their sins" and atone for them in a way that they can tolerate.

Create an enthusiastic atmosphere. Get your children exited about rewards they'll get if they clean up their rooms, keep the house tidy and do their chores. Let them know that a family is a co-operative unit for the survival of everyone, that they are a loved and valuable member of that family and earn their place by being a contributing part of it.

Put together a system of effective control using earned rewards and praise which is very precise and reliable for all. I suggest making a point system that adds up to an allowance that lets kids spend their money the way they want to. If they want that video game or some other new possession that is really important to them, they know getting it will be a direct result of their efforts.

Stay encouraging. Don't make them feel bad when they mess up, but when they do, absolutely, absolutely, take the reward points away. Let them know there's always next week, and let them know they'll do better, but don't sway. It has to be as real as if they were going to a job and being paid for their production. The rules agreed to have to be kept, kept, kept and they have to know it's firm. It has to directly affect what they consider to be important to their survival and in actuality directly affect it.

Many well-to-do families and the kids have so much - too much! It's all there without any effort on their parts, and they take it for granted. Make incentives that are crucially important to them and let them learn the lesson that participation equals reward.

Tasks to earn rewards can change from week to week and with multiple kids the highest point winner can take the pick of the favorite chores and the lowest point winner gets the ones that are left over. Make it realistic for each child according to age and ability to have a fair chance to win.

Also consult their interests. Do they have their own reasons and incentive to keep their rooms and the house clean? Talk it over with them, ask them for examples of how it could be good for them and gently guide them to discover for themselves what reasons the clean room, etc. would serve their needs. If they don't answer at once, don't become frustrated, let them think about it.

If they want extra points to earn something special or to catch up if behind, make available extra jobs above and beyond the call of duty which will help them do that, such as taking over one of the parent's tasks for a time or doing a special project for the home and family.

If a child does something warranting a large punishment, instead of arbitrarily keeping them in the dog house for an extended stay, let them utilize those extra jobs to get back in good graces more quickly.

I do not at all believe in taking away social engagements from children as punishment, especially if they're already arranged and scheduled. Just as your friends would be offended if you didn't show up for their party, they have their responsibilities to their friends too.

It's important for them to learn respect for their commitments, even if it's just a six-year-old sleep-over. Maybe a Friday night film is a possible reward for earning points, but that's something that isn't firm or promised until after the points are earned.

When responsibilities and rewards and punishment are random and non-specific, when there is no real consistent routine or accounting of actions you get confusion and non-compliance, you're more likely to get to the point where you've had it up to your eyeballs.

Yelling statements like "You're a complete slob and you're totally grounded for a month and you'll never get that bicycle you want," are damaging to a parent-child relationship. Try not to inadvertently stray away from the loving parent you really are.

And kids know - they'll either get the bicycle anyway without improving if you're wishy-washy, or just apathetically give up being a willing part of the team if in fact you completely deny them something they desperately want with no opportunity to redeem themselves. With either extreme, you end up with no real honest, caring control.

Kids need and love that effective, caring control even though they may complain about it. Just persist - they'll come out winners on the other end and so will you. By running a tight ship with the reward system - being positive and firm about it - they will gain a sense of high morale and competence from the work they've done, and a real sense of accomplishment when they've really earned their rewards.

Bringing up children is a really tough job.  Miracles can occur with the right attitude, good communication and good systems!

Copyright © 2004 Patti Nicklaus.  All Rights Reserved.

Back to top